under the upper hand

This week is going to be hell. It’s Homecoming, which should be great, but it’ll be bittersweet. It’s a mix between the best week of high school and the worst. So much going on, so much stress. A float needs to be completed, a dance to plan for, a week of dress up to figure out, decorations to be made, a speech to be said, a game to attend. nights without sleep.

why are you on my mind?

and I really miss my hair like this:

i don’t know why, usually i don’t care, but lately I miss my long hair so much.

I never truly immerse myself into the high school atmosphere. I feel like I’m always cautious. I never let my guard down too much. In the back of my head I always know that this is not what I want, not where I want to be. I like the things I do and for the most part I like my peers. But nothing more.

My best friends are typical chicks, always talking about shopping, friends and other people, and relationships. I’m not an angel, I engage in such conversation as well. However, in the relationship section I’m always the neutral one. I never really cared to have a boyfriend and I’m never really interested in anyone because there’s no one around, and I’ve never met anyone who I believe could be worth a relationship etc.

I just find it funny how in such a short amount of time I stopped being cautious, stopped thinking there was no one out there, and believed people can be good guys, can be different than the people they associate themselves with, and just as fast as I thought that, I was proved wrong, and that’s 100% okay, but I just wish it didn’t have to be that way.

One of my biggest peeves about my school (and any high school I suppose) is that everyone talks. A small piece of information can circulate throughout the halls like wildfire. My friends were trying to analyze my interest in boys one day and came to the realization that I like quiet/under the radar people; the ones who can be different from the typical JHS kid, and I absolutely agree. I become interested in the people who seem to have potential to be someone different, to be someone real.

And in the end of this short revelation, I was disappointed, and that’s fine. c’est la vie. I just don’t understand why people need to open their mouths and talk big game to make themselves seem high & mighty/ boost their ego. I really hoped that someone could exist as a genuinely good person and associate with people who act a certain way while still retaining their good persona. But maybe not. Perhaps somewhere along the line of associating oneself with certain people, you start to become one of them too, something I always thought you were better than. But maybe that doesn’t exist, or at least not in my high school.

.. and then the walls come up, and I keep a hold on my heart.

If you see me on a regular day, I’m usually a ray of sunshine. I’m very outgoing, a little crazy, possibly the weirdest kid you’ll ever meet. But at the end of the day, I’m not always as put together or bright as I seem to be.

Over the summer I tried this thing where I wouldn’t complain as much and in doing so I’d try to make myself more positive and better myself. However, as soon as school started I’ve come to realize that I complain 10x more. Something about that place brings me down. I like all the things I do, but for some reason, I don’t believe my heart is always truly in it.

I like learning, I like being partly in charge, I like getting things done, but I don’t like where this is headed. Part of me thinks this is my time to be somebody because after this year I may not be someone worth knowing. I’m the big fish in a little pond right now, yet somehow I still feel small. I just feel like I don’t belong a lot of the time, and I wish I didn’t, but I know this is a part of my experience of life.

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling the way I am. Why is there a void in my soul that I can’t seem to fill? And I’m saying this in the short run. Why is it that I can’t say I’m happy today? I know there’s a long road ahead of me, I know I won’t be happy with everything for a long while. But there are plenty of things I should be okay with. I’ve got some pretty damn good friends, I’ve got dreams, I’ve got a place in my school. Everything looks so good on paper. But we don’t live like that.

I’m seventeen years old. Why am I so disappointed. Why does everything seem like it’s just a routine. Why do I feel like I have so many burdens, like the world is on my shoulders and it isn’t slowing down?

if only for a moment or two.

blog soon.